In the end, though, even the most fortunate among us must deal with what Freud called “everyday unhappiness.” That, it would seem, is the default human condition.
"Who speaks of victory? Endurance is everything." - Rilke
This book review of The Age of Atheism (Peter Watson) speaks to my state of mind of late. For the first time in nearly four years, I am not busy. I am not stressing out about some upcoming exam; I am not worried about impressing an attending; I am not choosing between eating dinner or studying more. You would think I should be happy with my new found freedom, but instead I find myself feeling somewhat empty and purposeless. Though arduous and unpleasant much of the time, my medical training has given me my life goals, values, and religion in a way. I was told this process was called, "discovering my calling". I struggled to remain spiritual through medical school, but faith became secondary to completing tasks and getting the grades. I was surrounded by a community that encouraged selfless devotion to being a "good" medical student. From what I've seen and what I've learned, that's not about being compassionate or patient focused; it's about memorizing more and working harder. And I wonder if God is dead because we decided to become him instead.
I wish this wasn't so. Power in the hands of mortals can only be used as a tool of oppression; I never aimed to be an oppressor. Today a patient was upset because he said the doctors were acting like Gods, snubbing and ignoring him. Maybe we feel entitled to do so because of the responsibilities we bear...I am not proud of this. But these are the new idols I look up to and aspire to be. I almost cannot believe what I am saying, what I've become.
I feel as though I'm losing my religion, and so in my Godless state this book may offer me some hope?
The Age of Atheism: How We Have Sought to Live Since the Death of God
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