Books: Lean In (Sheryl Sandberg)

I had not heard about Lean In until my friend Eric brought it up in conversation and casually suggested that I read it. He was talking about the backlash Sheryl Sandberg had received form her book, specifically that people were accusing her of putting too much emphasis on women having to change themselves to fit the male-dominated mold of corporate leadership instead of asking society to change its perceptions and biases against women in the workforce. Critics have also accused Sandberg of being out of touch with women who never had and never will have the socioeconomic support she had. Many have attributed and dismissed her success to her privileged upbringing. I disagree with the Sandberg critics here. Firstly I don't think it's feasible or appropriate to demand society or corporate America even to "fix" the problem of the lack of female leadership in our institutions of power. This is because the barriers women face are not obvious, like segregated water fountains, but rather subtle and complicated. Yes, many women have been taught society's unfair lessons, but the most immediate problem women actually have control over is the internalization of those messages. Also I agree that Sheryl Sandberg grew up privileged, standing-on-the-shoulder-of-giants sort of thing, but maybe that's what it takes to be a trailblazer. And let it be known there are many people who grew up infinitely more privileged than Sandberg who are not the COO of Facebook or anywhere close. Sandberg doesn't have to rally the women of America to keep on fighting for equal representation in the workforce; she could very comfortably sit on her laurels and feel sorry for all the people who can't live and lead like she can. But she's not doing that. She's urging for women to join her in leading and empowering them to keep up the fight. Any way you cut it, I find that admirable.

I wasn't expecting to find Sandberg's experiences so relatable. She is a powerful executive worth millions, graduated from Harvard twice, and manages thousands of people and millions of dollars on a daily basis. But her tone in Lean In is so down-to-earth, personable, and disarming that I forget what a hot shot she is. She invites the reader to see her as a good person trying to do the best she can with what she's got, and it works. She uses self-deprecation and humility to frame her stories, opinions, and sociological facts; and employs Tina Fey and Nora Ephron quotes often throughout her book. I never thought a woman like Sandberg would ever feel intimidated, stressed, out-of-control, inferior, or anything short of bad ass. But in her book, she's very candid about her insecurities and strangely it's uplifting to think an accomplished woman can become successful even when consumed with self-doubt. This is good news for me considering sometimes I feel as though I'm questioning my abilities every minute of the day; most days I feel others are judging me and scoffing at my ignorance and incompetence (hello med school!). While the latter may be true, Sandburg argues in Lean In that I'm not doing myself any favors by giving into my naysayers. She says women are too quick to be intimidated and to lean back because that's what we were taught to do. We are taught to be nice, submissive, and compliant. Maybe we are waiting for others to believe in us and to give us the opportunities for career advancement. Not going to happen, sister.

But Sandberg is a realist. She recognizes that hard-charging, aggressively career-oriented women are viewed as, shall we say, not favorably. Aggressive women are not well liked, and if you are not well-liked you do not do well in the office or anywhere else for that matter (especially not the dating scene). This largely because women are expected to be caring, nurturing, and communal. It's not fair that there are just some behaviors that are not socially acceptable for women (unfortunately, these are the same attributes needed to succeed in the workplace), but while it's easy to complain about our lot it's more effective to find creative solutions. Sandberg offers the strategy of smiling (a lot) in addition to using "we" language and finding the communal good in negotiations; she believes there is a way to be assertive in a softer manner. Note how she chooses her language: it's "Lean In" not "Charge up and hit someone in the face!" She admits that it's not optimal not to have to act a certain way to be liked, but has hope that these strategies will lead to a future where we won't have to use them.
A thought provoking quote from the chapter on success and likability: " We can joke, as Marlo Thomas did, that a man has to be Joe McCarthy in order to be called ruthless. All a woman needs to do is put you on hold.' It's easy to dislike senior women because there are so few. If women held 50% of the top jobs, it would just not be possible to dislike that many people."

She espouses resiliency in the face of subtle discrimination and the internal voices that tell you to believe more in others than yourself. Lean In delivers the message: be creative, don't give up, you can't have it all, but "done is better than perfect." That last one bears repeating because I really like it, DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT!

Sandberg notes that for greater gender equality in our society women can only lean in at work if men are willing to lean in at home. It's an outdated idea that women cannot succeed in the workplace, so why is it still acceptable to think that men are inherently inept in the domestic domain? I have had the good fortune of meeting many men who have been better at cooking and cleaning than myself. These qualities didn't make them less of a man, but made them more independent and well-rounded. And I'm sure there are plenty of men out there, if not the majority of men, who are capable of taking a large share of child rearing responsibilities. The fight for women rights cannot be accomplished without the support of men. It's up to everyone to build a progressive, modern society, and it begins by looking at the limitations in our own views of ourselves.

Lean In on Amazon

Sheryl Sandberg's TED talk on too few women leaders