Writings: MS3 Ambivalence

A caffeine-deprived morning is a painful, confused hell...of a headache - there would be no point in attempting the day. I enjoy good coffee, but my mornings usually aren't about leisure time; rather the day begins with a focused ritual of drug addiction. I boil water, mix in the dark coffee powder, and chug this caffeinated lifeblood in the most efficient way possible. It's instant and tastes slightly like bitter gasoline, but it's a fill-up I cannot go without.

Then off to school I go. It's a cold walk to the hospital in the winter time, and no matter how many layers I have on I feel numb underneath. Burned out? Not quite, I wouldn't want to do anything else with my life. Depressed? No, the coffee keeps me too wired. I've just turned into a robot - one cool, metal, tired automaton. 

I keep busy in the hospital because if I slow down it takes a monumental effort to stay awake, and it's a struggle I usually don't win. It makes me hate myself really when I lose control of consciousness. So I run around and things are okay; I run around processing input and producing output. To be "productive" brings me the closest to the human equivalent of happiness these days. 

All around me are people made of human flesh and suffering. I push the empathy button and try to fix their problems. All day the attending and residents judge the depth of my ignorance, and I push the enthusiastic, smiley face button which is kind of a joke but at least I try. 

Others will look down on me, and tell me that I've sacrificed my individuality and creativity. They will call me a machine and they will mean it as an insult. They will accuse me of using work as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities, feelings, dreams. I agree with them. I do not delude myself into believing that being busy means being important or happy. Living like this is often isolating and weary, and I worry too about the implications of living detached and unbalanced. 

But this robot life keeps me a little manic, a little high on a natural adrenaline rush, which fills the space between the ups and downs of the human experience. For now I still feel like I'm heading towards something meaningful. I still believe there will be many, many blips of living, breathing, beautiful moments to thaw through the robot shell.