The Suffering Man

He is a shell of a man in more ways than one. Chronic illness has emaciated him and I can see the outline of every one of his ribs stretching against his scarred thinning skin. His hair has been reduced to wisps; a few threadbare cornrows are all that's left. Years of hard living have thinned out his frontal lobes and he spends most of his days wailing and railing his heartfelt dissatisfaction against everyone and everything - mostly incoherently. A life of dope only to be forced into a doped stupor at the very end. He has been reduced to an ill tempered infant, literary banging his fists out of primal rage. He must have been a man at some point, who experienced life in the complex way life is experienced. I can only imagine that it was a difficult life, filled with tragedy and injustice. Now that all the ego and superego have been stripped from him, he is the embodiment of suffering. 

Ironically he has lovely eyes framed by long, curly lashes usually seen on creatures of the feline family or in young girls blessed with exceptional beauty. Such lovely eyes consumed with bitterness. Despite his frailty, he has the fire to hate and hate so deeply. 

He would accuse me of abusing him and then grab my hand and sob. He'd yell at me and then hold me in desperation. The nurses made fun of his antics; he made their lives miserable. 

I felt for him because I don't blame him one bit for feeling the way he does. I think I would feel the same way. Maybe beneath it all I do. 

The Beauty of Letting Go

She had eyes so blue like sapphire stars, her daughter with the same blue eyes. And when she was dying her eyes still sparkled after the chemo thinned her hair to fuzz and the cancer froze and swelled her body. Her daughter just sat next to her bed, looking at her with those same brilliant blue eyes. She had a quiet strength as she watched her mother die. It wasn't about her grief; it was about saying goodbye. What can you possibly be thinking in that moment? And how can you possibly be so strong? 

Books: Gilead (Marilynne Robinson)

"When things are taking their ordinary course, it is hard to remember what matters." 

My colleague gave me the novel, Gilead, for Christmas. He knew I had just gotten a Kindle, and he said this was one of his favorite books, a most thoughtful gift I thought.

I've finally gotten around to reading it now after finishing six months of inpatient wards. The book is so beautiful and bittersweet, it's sometimes hard to read. The narrator is an old preacher, John Ames, who is dying of heart failure. He has a young son, about 7 years old, who's he's writing to in the future so that his son will know who he is after he has passed. It's a pretty heartbreaking premise, and yet it's not meant to be sad.  The preacher spends a lot of time describing the relationship with his own father and his father's relationship with his father before that. He describes the physical world with the wonderment of someone seeing it for the first time; I suppose it's easy to take nature's art for granted when life's distractions fill our days the way they do. Only when our days become numbered do we seem to recognize the awe inspiring beauty of this world and our place in it. Robinson's language is simple and the prose spare, but every sentence seems filled with emotion nonetheless. I think one must write a novel like this in that way. 

Reading this book reminds me of the time in my life when I lived next to beautiful Catholic church called St. Vincent de Paul. I'm not Catholic but for a month or two I'd walk there every morning to catch the weekday morning service at 7am. I remember how sweet the flowers would smell after a summer rain, and how I could never avoid the puddles that drenched my feet with rain water. I'd sit in the farthest pew in the back behind a pillar because I was an outsider, a heathen, I suppose. And once the service ended I'd scurry out of the church lest someone ask me what I was doing there because I wasn't quite sure myself. But I loved the Father who was there and the short liturgy he'd give every morning. I've never felt peace like that before. The other people in the church included 2 nuns, a few older people in the front pews, a person in a wheelchair that would sit in the back with me, and a young Indian doctor, always in his scrubs with his pager hanging on his hip. I wasn't in medical school then but I remember thinking how the sermons probably reinforced his commitment to helping others. 

Today I went to the chapel in our hospital. It is a bare, minimalist space without any kind of religious symbols so as to remain inter-faith. There wasn't a service going on at the time, but the room still felt sacred for some reason. Maybe if I could hear again that Father talking about love, the good of humanity, and our spiritual purpose, I can be redeemed for forgetting beauty, forgetting the sense of mission I so admired in that doctor many years ago. 

War Documentaries: Dirty Wars and The Square

I wanted to write a quick entry on some of documentaries I've seen lately that do a good job on discussing key events of the sociopolitical unrest in the Middle East; both were nominated for the 2013 Academy Award for Best Documentary.

Dirty Wars

This was a documentary based off the book Dirty Wars and features the author himself as narrator, Jeremy Scahill. Scahill is an investigative journalist specializing in war reporting. Just as an aside, I think in another life investigative journalism would have been a dream career for me - it's all about uncovering the truth and educating the masses, what could be better! Scahill is possibly the most serious person I've ever seen; he does not smile once during the entire film, but I think it adds to his serious persona, which works well for this serious subject. One wonders though if he does anything else in his life beyond chasing war stories (so mysterious...), but his dedication and information-oriented approach perhaps gives the film more credibility (which it needs considering its kind of attacking the US government). The premise of the documentary is that the American government has initiated a new military strategy over the past decade or so to fight the global war on terrorism. Instead of the traditional model of US troops fighting enemy troops, this new war employs special forces to target and attack specific dangerous individuals or groups. The special forces given the task is called the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC). JSOC essentially has a list of terrorist, who are spread out around the world, and work to assassinate all the individuals on the list. I remember hearing on thew news the war on terrorism is different from wars of the past because we (America) are not fighting another country / ruler, rather we are fighting a network of people spread out around the world intent on destroying America. So I suppose America's tactic to approach this situation was to kill off the important people in the network, thereby destabilizing and ultimately destroying this community.
The only problem is that when trying to assassinate people on the list, JSOC sometimes makes mistakes and kills the wrong people / civilians. Scahill brings a couple of these incidences to light including the killing of an innocent, civilian family in Gardez, Afghanistan and another incident in Yemen where a whole tribe of individuals were killed including women and children. Scahill presents these as humanitarian atrocities carried out by the American government (and approved by President Obama himself). The climax of the documentary and really the crux of Scahill's case against the government occurs when he finds out there are Americans on this JSOC list, specifically Anwar al-Awlaki and his 16 year old son. Al-Awlaki was an American born Imam, who supported Jihad after seeing what America was doing in the middle east. It is unknown why his son was targeted as well, but Scahill believes it was to prevent the spread of terrorist ideas. The point the documentary makes is that America is actually creating more terrorists with these tactics that kill innocent people and that operate under a cover of secrecy. 

This documentary made me realize how so much of the way America operates is not transparent to average American citizens. I understand our country carries out these missions ultimately to defend American citizens against terrorists, and I will say to date I and most Americans live in our homes without fear. We have enough food and our infrastructure is intact, untouched by bombs and gunfire. But if the cost of our well-being and safety is the fear and death of innocents in other countries...well, that doesn't seem entirely right either. American citizens in general are at the mercy of our leader's good judgement when it comes to our military presence abroad. While I like living in the comfort of America, I would like to hope we achieve this security through ethical and transparent means. 

The Square 

This documentary follows a group of young Egyptians, who are protesting the government during the Egyptian Revolution of 2011. They are impassioned, idealistic, and determined. Instead of having a narrator (like in Dirty Wars), The Square follows the conversations of these revolutionaries with each other and sometimes with an unknown interviewer off screen. But the focus is always on the Egyptian people and their fight for freedom.
This was a very educational documentary for me because I did not really understand the different parts of the revolution very well and all the different groups of people involved. Now my understanding is this:
The Egyptian people were unhappy with their corrupt government under the rule of Mubarak (who I believe was part of a military power structure that has ruled Egypt for awhile); free speech was stifled, unemployment was high, and quality of life in general was not good. Galvanized by the Tunisan revolution, the Egyptian people began organizing protests calling for the overthrow of their own president. The heart of these protests occurred in Cario's Tahrir Square, hence the name of the movie, which became to symbolize the Egyptian people's fight for freedom.
The protesters' efforts paid off and Mubarak eventually stepped down and Morsi, a member of the religious political group the Muslim Brotherhood, was elected. However, after two years, the Egyptian people ousted him for his failure to move the country forward in the direction wanted by the Egyptian people. The movie ends with the questions, what kind of society does Egypt want and who will lead them?
Just a few days ago, the current Egyptian "government" (the military?) sentenced almost 700 members of the Muslim Brotherhood to death. This hardly seems to be the peaceful overthrow desired by so many at the beginning of this.

It seems only time will tell the fate of the Egyptian people. I find the whole situation poignantly inspiring and also very sad in many ways, much like the movie's theme song The Square (Ya El Medan), sung by Cairokee ft Aida El Ayouby, who has such a clear, sweet yet soulful voice. I find Arabic in general to be a very beautiful, lyrical language, and even more so when sung.

Ya El Medan 

* * * * *
Some Middle Eastern inspired recipes seemed fitting for this post. Here are some good ones.

Mujadarrah and Green Beans

Mujadarrah
Ingredients:
5-6 tablespoons safflower oil
1 large white onion, sliced into rings, a few sliced red onion rings thrown in as well
1 1/3 cups uncooked green lentils
3/4 cup uncooked long-grain white rice
~3 cups of homemade chicken stock (liquid from boiled chicken breasts, 1 packet of chicken bouillon, 2 tsp salt, 2 tsp garlic powder, a few peppercorns from my pickling spices)
salt and pepper to taste
1 1/2 tablespoons cumin
pinch of cinnamon
1/4 cup plain yogurt or sour cream (optional)

Notes: This is my second time making mujadarrah, and I think I got it a little closer to what it's suppose to be like this time. My earlier post of this dish from 4 years ago showed a very soupy looking dish, but this time I achieved the fluffy yet moist texture I'm assuming is more correct. I was making chicken salad for lunch this week, so just used the chicken stock from the boiled chicken breasts to cook the lentils/rice. I fried the onions to a rich brown, and probably could have added another onion if I were planning on feeding more people (the onions really shrink when you fry them). The flavor of this dish was so good this time. The rice and beans themselves are soft, savory with a kind of complexity coming from the cumin/cinnamon. The fried onions are a rich and sweet accompaniment to the rice and beans. I like how this dish is a mix of complex and simple. I put sour cream on it, although I should have used yogurt; both add a cool creaminess. Delicious. Rating: 5/5.

Syrian Green Beans
Ingredients:
1 (16 ounce) package frozen cut green beans
~1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil (I used less)
salt to taste
a few cloves of garlic, minced
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (I probably added 3/4 of a cup)

Notes: I added too much cilantro which made the dish a little bitter. Also it burned the bottom of my pan, and so it was hard to clean. The taste of the green beans were good. Likely will try again with green beans but will use less cilantro. Rating: 3.5/5

Writings: Haunted

I am desperate for morning to come, to hear the distant early bird's song, to have this bedroom filled with living, breathing light. But in the night there is only darkness and my equally dark thoughts - I become frightened that my mind might evoke the spirits that haunt my subconscious. Because in the darkness the boundaries between conscious and subconscious, life and death begin to blur; I begin to think of him, when we used to play as small children, and I can only remember happiness. Now he is dead, and my human brain cannot makes sense of it because I am still here, so why is he not? Things, including people, just don't disappear into nothing, we learned that in science class...will he come back tonight to prove that he has not gone away? I am sad because his passing was senseless, and now so many people will be lost without him. What privilege do I have to stay when he may have deserved it more? I turn on the light and try to sleep with my eyes open, desperately waiting for morning.

* * *

These restless nights happen to me often, as I am now in the business of shepherding the ill to their death. I recently came across an admission note I wrote for a patient, and I could not bring myself to throw it in the shredder like I should have. For some reason it felt like I would forget him if I threw away the papers, and since he died during that admission if felt like I was throwing away his existence. I did not want to associate his death with the paper shredder ridding the world of the obsolete.

He was a young man, who came in with the emaciated look of someone terribly ill. He had a young, devoted wife who stayed by his side and looked at him with such a tender, bewildered concern that it still hurts me to remember it. We did not expect him to die because he was such a young man; because we did not know for sure what was wrong with him; because we did not want him to die. The only person who expected it was the pulmonary fellow, who yelled at us for consulting him for a dead man walking. When we asked him again what we could do, he attacked my resident with such meanness she began to cry, which made me cry because we were just trying to do good. He told us the compassionate thing to do was to save a dead man from an unnecessary workup, but we knew he just wanted to have one less patient on his consult service. We did not give up.

The young man died so suddenly, without warning, that he was in a normal floor room when it happened. I will never forget his death, the way he lay unnaturally bent on his bed with eyes and mouth half-opened, completely and terribly still. His pretty wife was in shock: her face like stone, her gaze fixated on the air, averted in the direction away from her dead husband. She did not move to wipe away the rivulets of tears that dripped madly off both cheeks. We were all speechless with horror. Only the attending could say something because it is his business to do so. He expressed our sympathy and offered the family an autopsy should they want one. The father could only shake his head no, his voice choked by the tears probably brought on by the thought of the scalpel on his son's cold skin. When we left the room, the resident sobbed. I cried too, silently, looking at my computer screen trying my best to find a distraction. I am a professional after all, and the best thing to do is to not think about it.

* * *

But at night, there is nothing but a terrible stillness and a sense of vulnerability. In the darkness, memories come back to haunt me, and I am frightened. Not because I fear evil spirits, but because I am the evil one; because in the senseless struggle of survival I have managed to buy myself more time, while helplessly watching those around me fall. If there is a God, I think there would be a punishment for this injustice.

Documentaries on Economic Issues

Documentaries about economic issues are a favorite of mine because they explain in more understandable terms the very complicated economic forces that shape our society. Inequality is a big issue right now; just recently President Obama had declared it the defining issue of our time. In my day-to-day I do not interact with supremely wealthy people. My family and I have never been in that socioeconomic strata, and I am not well-connected with anyone who is. Therefore it was somewhat mind-blowing to realize the magnitude of wealth disparity while watching the documentary Park Avenue: Money, Power, and the American Dream. I did not realize just around 400 Americans own most of the wealth in the country, and that many of those 400 live in New York on Park Avenue. Just a few months ago I was interviewing for residency at a hospital on the upper east side of New York, and I distinctly remember an interviewer telling me I would never be rich as a doctor living in the city. Afterwards, a resident was giving the applicants a tour of her apartment close by to the hospital, and told us all the hospital was generous to subsidize rent which brought the cost of her 1bdr (without washer/dryer) down to 3,000+. I almost had a physical reaction to that number (to be fair my salary would have covered rent...just not food or anything else), and then vowed I would never live in the city even though it's the cultural center of the country and a fabulous place to visit. According to the Park Avenue, doctors making 450,000/yr, I think it was, could be considered to be on the bottom rungs of the top 1%, but those at the top of the 1% make billions.

Inequality For All, a documentary narrated by former US Labor Secretary Robert Reich, delved into a deeper analysis of the dangers of inequality. Much of the documentary shows Reich lecturing to his class at Berkely. During his lecture he likes to use a graph showing income inequality of the American people over time. I forget the axes, but the gist of the graph is that the periods of greatest income inequality were in the late 1920s and then again in the 2000s, which correspond to the great market crashes in our country's financial history. Meanwhile, the average income for American has not risen appreciably over the decades, but the average income for those in the top 1% has increased several fold. The movie makes a case that the rise in income inequality is a result of cutting taxes on the rich (Warren Buffet and Mitt Romney were taxed around 15% last year) and the dissolution of labor unions (spearheaded by Reagan), which contributed to diminished workers' rights. To add even greater emotional appeal to the movie, billionaires Nathan Hanauer and Warren Buffet themselves are filmed imploring the government to raise their own income tax rates. Hanauer goes as far to say that it is the middle class who drives the economy, since it is people in the middle who buy the most goods and services that generate demand and therefore business. He asserts that it is the middle class who are the true job creators of this economy.

Inequality For All, by and large tries to dispel the theory of trickle down economics by showing how the middle class is suffering with lower wages and lower buying power, while the wealthiest of the country are wealthier than ever. It seems to be warning against the establishment of an oligarchy of wealthy individuals who use their power to exploit consumers, shareholders, the average citizen. It is becoming increasingly difficult to move up socioeconomically in America, especially with rising costs in education. I know this firsthand; as a medical student, my education up to date has cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Not everyone can afford this, and despite this huge financial sacrifice there is no guarantee that you will have a job at the end of it as evidenced by our recent match results. I am so angered by the way our system works, and I believe it is utterly unacceptable for people not to have jobs after the 4 years of indentured servitude, I mean medical school/training, we just completed, but that's a different topic for a different post.

My two fundamental beliefs on human nature and society are as follows: 1) Absolute power corrupts absolutely (Baron Acton) 2) The social contract (Hobbes, Locke, etc). Therefore, power concentrated in a few number of individuals, in the form of communism or capitalism, will lead to societal instability. The problem with individual power is that it is human nature to lose accountability to the community once a person gains enough power. There is no stopping them from behaving in wantonly selfish ways. It makes sense to me that the role of government should be to monitor and check the powers of different institutions including its own governmental power as well.

Perhaps my favorite documentary I've seen in the past few days is Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room. How appropriate that Jeffrey Skillings favorite book is The Selfish Gene! The very same book that almost threw me into an existential crisis Sophmore year of college. I suppose that just goes to show you, Richard Dawkins, what happens when self-interest becomes the sole motivator of ones actions. Yes, you get Enron. When I was in Houston, I used to work in the old Enron buildings, and worked for a company spun off from Arthur Andersen, Enron's ill-fated accounting firm. And yet, I am ashamed to say I knew very little about the Enron Scandal until I watched this documentary. It was horrifying to hear how the Enron traders orchestrated the rolling blackouts in California by producing fake power outages to raise the price of electricity. They were given the power to artificially manipulate the supply-demand curve, and they did so without any regard to the people they were affecting. It's sickening to hear recorded conversations of the traders gleefully disrupting the power grid - positively sociopathic is the only way to describe their behavior. It just goes to show how quickly the moral compass is lost when power gets to people. They get caught up in their own power and disregard the rules of society, and, ironically, the customers / shareholders who gave them the power in the first place. Other human beings become mere pawns and obstacles in the all out struggle for power and money - the survival of the financial fittest.

Documentaries Mentioned:
1) Park Avenue: Money, Power, and the American Dream
2) Inequality For All
3) Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room

Writings: Food stuffs

I have a very low threshold for suffering these days, my own personal suffering that is. I spend my energy trying to live as a hedonist, which is actually kind of a challenge coming out of three years of academic asceticism. I think the one area of my life where I have truly allowed a reckless abandon to my heart's desire is with food. Oh man that makes me sound so fat. In my defense, I have been working out most days (and should you be concerned that I'm exercising too hard, that's a mix of light jogging and Zumba), which makes me positively voracious, almost frighteningly so. The idea at first with the increased fitness was to lose weight, but now I do it more to break up the monotony of the day and to get my heart racing about something. And then I go home and make chicken with caper cream sauce or fry up some smoked applewood bacon because bacon makes everything taste better or sometimes I just take a big scoop of Trader Joe's crunchy cookie butter and eat it straight out of the jar - okay I do that last one everyday. I love the richness of butter, it's creamy undertones and overtones, how it infuses and enhances without stealing the culinary show. In my mind every dish is made better with garlic and onions crisped in oil. I like to eat vegetables roasted in garlic oil and tossed with Parmesan; I like to eat my meats simmered for a long time in wine, peppers, and roux. I always thought if I ate only the food I made , I would be healthier...but I think I'm going to have to rethink that concept now that I've discovered my liberal policies on the use of butter and oils in my cooking.

Potatoes tossed in garlic, oil, and Parmesan - baked until nice and
crispy on the outside, then generously salted. 

I used to go to Whole Foods to buy its broccoli crunch salad. I thought it was delicious: a creamy blend of raw broccoli, cashews, raisins, red onions tossed in a mayo dressing. But yesterday I finally decided to make it myself, and discovered I can make it so much better than the Whole Foods version with the following Allrecipes recipe.

Ingredients for Broccoli Salad
4 slices smoked applewood bacon
1 head fresh broccoli, cut into bite size pieces
1/4 cup red onion, chopped (forgot this)
1/2 cup raisins
3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons white sugar
2/3 to 3/4 cup mayonnaise
1 cup sliced almonds

Notes: I only used 4 slices of bacon instead of 10 like the recipe called for. I fried them really crispy and crumbled them into the mayo dressing. I forgot to buy red onions and was so distraught about this that I was about to go out and buy some, but the dish ended up tasting pretty good without it so I didn't bother. The recipe called for a cup of mayo but I put in about 2/3 to 3/4 cups of light mayo and I felt like that was enough for a bunch of broccoli. I also cut up the broccoli stems and added them to the salad so as not to waste them. After mixing all the ingredients together, I let the flavors marinate together for a few hours. Really a creamy, yet refreshing salad. Also sliced almonds > cashews, and crispy bacon > soggy bacon, so take that Whole Foods! Would be great for company. Rating: 5 out of 5.

 Alyson's Broccoli Salad

CNN: In helping young black men, Obama helps all

When A&E was one of five channels I got on TV, I watched a lot of the cop show The First 48 Hours. The show follows police departments in different cities during the first 48 hours of a homicide investigation. I especially enjoyed watching when the homicide unit from my city was featured because most of the crimes on the show were committed in a neighborhood not 15 minutes from where I live. Like any sucker watching reality TV, I was intially mesmerized by the sensational audios and visuals, horrified by the senseless crimes and the murderers who committed them. I vowed never to set foot in that neighborhood. But the more I watched, the more I became disturbed for a different reason: I began to notice how youthful these criminals were; how innocent some of them seemed to be; how young, poor, black, and male they were. I felt wrong sympathizing with the "monster" as the cops stalked his facebook page or when they finally dragged in the sniffling 17 year old crying for his mom. It seemed to me that many of these evil murderers were boys playing with guns and getting mixed up in gangs and drugs. After awhile it was just really heartbreaking to see all this youthful energy and strength go to waste, expended on destruction instead of a future, and ultimately becoming a social liability. And's what's worse is that these kids themselves never expected to amount to anything more than this.

1 in 9 African American males will be incarcerated at some point in life. I feel this is a societal issue that demands attention. But like all things dealing with RACE, it is difficult to approach. That's why I applaud Obama's Brother's Keeper initiative to help young, black men defy the statistics. The details of the initiative are not hammered out, but education seems to be a main focus. The program is privately funded and calls on people to invest in poor, minority youth. More than money, it is asking for faith in these individuals to rise above the oppression and discrimination inherent in the circumstances they were born into. Guns are too easy to come by, while goals and a sense of self-efficacy are scarce. I believe more positive role models are needed, along with structured after-school programs, and community centers to acts as safe havens. The community itself must become empowered to fight against a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is not an easy task to ask of the most oppressed strata of American society. But once they believe they are better than poverty, the rest of society will have no choice but to believe as well.

In helping young black men, Obama helps all

My Brother's Keeper In The Community: Hopes And Aims At Ground Level

The First 48

Book Review: The Age of Atheism: How We Have Sought to Live Since the Death of God, by Peter Watson

In the end, though, even the most fortunate among us must deal with what Freud called “everyday unhappiness.” That, it would seem, is the default human condition. 

"Who speaks of victory? Endurance is everything." - Rilke 

This book review of The Age of Atheism (Peter Watson) speaks to my state of mind of late. For the first time in nearly four years, I am not busy. I am not stressing out about some upcoming exam; I am not worried about impressing an attending; I am not choosing between eating dinner or studying more. You would think I should be happy with my new found freedom, but instead I find myself feeling somewhat empty and purposeless. Though arduous and unpleasant much of the time, my medical training has given me my life goals, values, and religion in a way. I was told this process was called, "discovering my calling". I struggled to remain spiritual through medical school, but faith became secondary to completing tasks and getting the grades. I was surrounded by a community that encouraged selfless devotion to being a "good" medical student. From what I've seen and what I've learned, that's not about being compassionate or patient focused; it's about memorizing more and working harder. And I wonder if God is dead because we decided to become him instead.  

I wish this wasn't so. Power in the hands of mortals can only be used as a tool of oppression; I never aimed to be an oppressor. Today a patient was upset because he said the doctors were acting like Gods, snubbing and ignoring him. Maybe we feel entitled to do so because of the responsibilities we bear...I am not proud of this. But these are the new idols I look up to and aspire to be. I almost cannot believe what I am saying, what I've become. 

I feel as though I'm losing my religion, and so in my Godless state this book may offer me some hope? 

The Age of Atheism: How We Have Sought to Live Since the Death of God

NPR: The Secret Operation To Bring Nazi Scientists To America

This NPR story about Annie Jacobsen's book Operation Paperclip, named after the US government's task force to recruit Nazi scientists following the fall of The Third Reich, reemphasized to me how difficult it can be to balance human rights and scientific advancement. The story talks about Wernher von Braun, a Nazi scientist who later helped Americans build rockets that took man to the moon. In medicine there are countless diseases named after the Nazi physicians who discovered them, e.g. Wegner's syndrome. Now there is a push in medicine to rid these diseases of eponyms tied to Nazism, but the fact remains that we are still using the science discovered by these scientists who condoned senseless torture and genocide, and, even more horrifically, found a way to professionally gain from the suffering of others. It's easy to say in retrospect that the end does not justify the means but I feel sometimes science is blind to this bit of wisdom; in science progress is king.
Being in academia I have sometimes cringed at our treatment of animal and, yes, human subjects. Of course these are not transgressions commensurate with those of the Nazi scientists, and we do not break the law as defined the supposedly humane American legal system. And yet a moral compass inside me objects to the process of reducing human beings down to case studies. But as I become more entrenched in my career I find the voice of rationalization, supported by the community I have chosen to join, oftentimes drowns out any detraction from the end goal of medical progress. The idea is that medicine is for the greater good; it's to help people and society. Even on an individual level, medical training involves a huge amount of personal sacrifice, so maybe because of this the community feels that it is justified in sacrificing the personal freedoms of others for utilitarian aims. It is ever right to sacrifice personal freedoms? But isn't society just a collection of individuals who have agreed to sacrifice some of their personal freedoms for a collective better quality of life?
Sometimes it is difficult to have a conscience, and still be good and efficient in your career. I often am afraid of losing my values in the rat race.

The Secret Operation To Bring Nazi Scientists To America

*   *   *   *   *
Small Dinner Get-together Menu:
One of the ways I try to stay grounded is to spend time with good friends, and one of my favorite things to do with my friends is to cook for them. I had a small girl's night recently and cooked up the following dishes; served with wine, TV, and good conversation.

1) Chicken Marsala with spaghetti and steamed broccoli 



Ingredients:
1/4 cup all-purpose flour for coating
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - pounded 1/4 inch thick
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup Marsala wine
1/4 cup cooking sherry

Notes: I followed the recipe pretty closely. The only things I did different were to decrease the butter by half (maybe increased oil as a result), use a whole box of baby portabello mushrooms, add more marsala wine for more sauce, and splash some heavy whipping cream at the end to thicken the sauce. Changes: Next time I will consider doubling the sauce, especially if I plan on serving with noodles or rice. My chicken was a bit dry; I think I cooked it too long during the browning phase. Will decrease the time for browning. Rating: 4.5 out of 5. Super easy, nice dish for company.

2) Coconut fudge ice cream with banana caramel sauce


Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
1 cup superfine sugar
1 1/4 cups heavy cream
4 bananas, peeled and halved lengthwise

Notes: Making caramel sauce is one of my favorite things to do, mostly because it smells so delicious to make. I made half the serving and used regular sugar (I have no idea what superfine sugar is). I think when I added the cream too quickly because I got a few bits of caramel candy in the sauce. Next time will add the cream slower. I used Bluebell's Coconut Ice Cream with Fudge. Rating: 4 out of 5. A nice, special treat. Not something to make everyday, but fun to do once in awhile.

Food: MFK Fisher and assorted recipes

While in Portland, I picked up MFK Fisher's The Art of Eating at Powell's Books. She writes in a style that reminds me of Agatha Christie's Come, Tell Me How You Live, in the sense that both are autobiographies of adventurous women from eras that encouraged more passive, supportive roles for women. As respectable ladies of their day, both these authors are always decorous but they subtly subvert society's expectations with their insatiable curiosity and joie de vivre. Fisher describes her life experiences through her food experiences, and I feel 100 years later, in a different country and culture from hers, I can still very much relate to her love for food and for life.

* * * * *

Speaking of food, I have been cooking whenever I get the chance. Here are some notes for future renditions of the recipes I've tried of late:

Taiwanese-Style Three Cup Chicken



Notes: This is one of my sister's favorite dishes. I had chicken thighs and a whole box of basil from Trader Joe's in the fridge and decided to make the dish. I don't remember this dish tasting like how I made it, but I felt the flavors of this recipe are pretty good. The sauce is sticky from the sugar, almost like a teriyaki sauce. I liked how tender the chicken was, which I think was because I simmered covered for so long (~25 minutes). It really makes the meat fall off the bone. Basil is also an interesting and tasty addition to the more traditional Chinese flavors. Changes: I cut the soy sauce to 1/4 cup, which was probably a good amount of soy sauce for the dish. I also cut the sesame oil to 3 tablespoons, which I think was the right thing to do. Next time I will only add 2 tablespoons of white sugar, as I felt the dish was a little too sugary/sticky for me. Next time I will also add a few chili peppers, which I left out this time b/c I didn't have any on hand. Rating: 4 out of 5; too sticky but flavor, texture good.

Banana Crumb Muffins



Notes: My parents were visiting me this weekend and I wanted to make them something yummy. I had some ripe bananas so decided to make this recipe. I actually made a healthier version of this recipe during Christmas time this past year, and my mom really liked it. I think this unhealthy version tastes even better :) Changes: I added semi-sweet chocolate chips (maybe like 1/3 cup) to the muffin batter on a whim; I shouldn't have b/c my mother doesn't like chocolate. But for someone who likes chocolate it's a nice addition. The only other thing I changed was the crumble topping. I made about 50% more b/c I was worried the muffins wouldn't be sweet enough, but in retrospect the muffins were already sweet enough esp since I added the chocolate chips. So next time I will not double the crumble topping unless maybe I don't add the chocolate. Also I really need a food processor or a butter cutter to cut butter appropriately. The crumble was more like a fine dusting on the muffin tops instead of a true crumble since I couldn't incorporate the butter correctly. Rating: 4 out of 5, too sweet but flavor, texture good.

Kung Pao Chicken



Notes: I made Kung Pao Chicken for a Chinese New Year dinner my friends and I had a few weeks ago. This pic above is of the spread we had - looks pretty good, right? I really liked the texture of the sauce of this dish; it was just thick enough so I think I got the amount of cornstarch right. My friends said they liked it, but I kind of thought the taste of sesame oil was overpowering. Changes: I tripled the amount of sauce for the dish, and used only 1 tablespoon of cornstarch mixed in 2 tablespoons of water for both marinade and sauce. I used about 1 teaspoon of the cornstarch/water mix for the marinade and maybe like 1 tablespoon for the sauce. I also added carrots as I had some on hand. I did not add chili paste as I did not have any, next time will add some chili for just a bit of heat. Next time I will only add 1/2 the amount of sesame oil, so like 3 tablespoons of sesame oil for triple the sauce. Rating: 3.5 out of 5, too much sesame oil. Will make again with less sesame oil. May need to add more soy sauce depending on how salty dish is at the end of cooking.

Chinese Restaurant Almond Cookies



Notes: I also made these cookies for Chinese New Year this year. These cookies really gave me a lot of grief; I really thought I had ruined them. My ingredients stayed so dry, I couldn't form any shape for cookies. I ended up adding milk until the flour turned into a dough. I really liked the taste of these cookies but obviously will need help with the baking technique. My dad says he prefers soft almond cookies, so I will need to make this recipe for him in the future. Changes: I increased the sugar by 1/4 cup and increased the almond extract by 3 fold. The biggest change was that I used butter instead of lard. I refuse to use lard or crisco though, as the whole point of me making my own food is to use natural, less processed ingredients. Again, I'm wondering if the ingredients would have come together more if I was able to cut in the butter appropriatly (with food processor or butter cutter). Instead I just poured in some milk, which I wouldn't do again as I feel like it made the cookie too soft and I feel like I could taste the milk in the final cookie. I also accidentally added a 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder to the cookies too, maybe made it more cakey? Next time will cut butter correctly, not add baking powder, not add milk and see if the dough will from. Rating: 3.5 out of 5, texture not right but will try again because flavor was good and Dad likes almond cookies.

Mom's Chicken Cacciatore



Notes: I like dishes like Chicken Marsala and Chicken Cacciatore. I followed the directions for this recipe pretty closely; the only thing I changed was I subbed marsala wine for white wine b/c that's what I had. The flour coating on my chicken was way to thick; next time I will just lightly dust the chicken with flour. The dish tasted better the next day when the flavors could blend together more. Rating: 4 out of 5, good flavor and will make again. Possibly a good dish for entertaining but I don't think it is very pretty. Probably chicken marsala would be more palatable looking and flavor is similar.

LA Times: Cashing in on the Bitcoin Boom

I first heard of Bitcoin in San Fran from my friend Neelroop. It was a couple of years ago, and I remember at the time thinking the concept of an purely electronic currency was cool but the details seemed kind of complicated and I didn't follow entirely. So I was surprised to see Bitcoin in the news recently, as I had thought of it as a niche, west coast start up thing.

After reading the LA Times article I'm reminded again of how fascinating I find it that this currency has no physical commodity or country tied to it. It's not even physical; it's completely digital. It's almost like someone took one of those gaming currencies (which I learned one day when a friend showed me what WOW was) and introduced it into the global economy. Someone once told me that money only has real value because we believe in it, which kind of sounds like what parents tell their children about Santa Claus. Anyway, what is money but something used to mediate the exchange of resources between two parties. Back in the bartering days, only equivalent objects could be exchanged but now anyone can trade around anything they want with the help of money. There is something very psychological about seeing cash and assigning it a value, but I suppose the reality is that there really doesn't need to be anything physical about money as long as we all believe that 1) it's valuable 2) that the other person has it and is really going to give it to you.

More people need to believe in Bitcoin before it can be valued as global currency, but is it something worth believing in? After all it was developed by someone who uses a pseudonym and the process of creating more Bitcoins sounds like something out of The Matrix. Apparently Bitcoins are produced through a process called mining, which involves people using computers that perform complex mathematical calculations to solve puzzles that guard the Bitcoin mint like the sphinxes of ancient Egypt. There's different levels of puzzles that become increasingly harder - like a video game... This is my incomplete understanding and surely production is also influenced by supply and demand somehow and not just on hacker-like prowess, but it's all a little beyond me.

In theory Bitcoin would be good for global business as it would eliminate the need for currency exchanges; it would be exempt from many governmental regulations because it's not controlled by any government. But I think not having it linked with a physical object would prevent it from being used widely by average people because not everybody has a computer or a means to scan qr codes. Also some people are very skeptical of things they can't see, such as those who prefer to keep their cash under mattresses and such.

So Bitcoin has been newsworthy lately because of its volatile stock and the speculation surrounding its future. I think it could work on the global scale, not so sure about the local one. I don't understand how Bitcoin is made/stored/secured, but I think that's because I'm not a computer person or economist. It'll be interesting to see where this concept heads.

Cashing in on the Bitcoin boom
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Being from the South, I was taught that snow is an evil, evil force that will overcome you and your car...every time. So with my car covered in ice for the past 4 days, I just stayed at home and prayed (j/k, watched a lot of TV). But today I was getting really sick of being stuck inside, and so I went out to face my fears. Of course I don't have an ice scraper, but I did have a starbucks card and my school's library card. The starbucks card was such a flimsy piece of plastic that it broke in half after just a few little scrapes. My library card though, with the help of a warmed car and some cold water, scraped a 2 inch blanket of ice off my front and rear window. I was so impressed!! And the card isn't even bent; I could probably still use it. I love finding quality in unexpected places. Thank you to whoever decided to go with the expensive cards!

Two other things I love on snow days: Alone by Heart and I hung my head by Johnny Cash. Sorry for the nonsequitur, but I've been listening to these songs in addition to my TV watching during my self-imposed imprisonment (I guess they're pretty fitting titles too, haha!). Ann Wilson has to be one of my favorite singers of all time; I love her powerful, soulful, and totally kickass voice in this song. I < 3 Ann.
And the Johnny Cash song just has the craziest lyrics ever. Only Cash can pull off a song like that in his heavily sincere and sad bass-baritone.

Alone by Heart  (Check out 2:05)

I hung my head by Johnny Cash

Nelson Mandela, Power, Society, and Religion

"I cannot stop you from thinking your thoughts. It is good that a young man has such deep thoughts, but hate no man and desire power over no man." - Cry, The Beloved Country by Alan Paton

With the passing of Nelson Mandela on December 5, 2013, there have been many articles in the news about his life and legacy. He is a symbol of social justice and humanitarian activism; the world mourns its loss. The above quote is from an NPR story about the book Cry, The Beloved Country that depicts what it was like living during the apartheid. These articles make me think about the atrocities humans are capable of in their thirst for power. In the case of the apartheid it was the power of white colonialists over the black natives, and, though the reasons for apartheid may have been multifaceted including economic as well as social factors, the bottom line is that it was yet another example of the ageless human need for dominance. I have written about power before (see: The Psychology of Power), and it is my strong belief that indeed "power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Perhaps there are biological reasons for our power hungry ways, maybe it is something to do with our hierarchical nature as social animals or maybe it is simply the evolutionary consequence of the survival of the fittest. However, history has evidenced how unbalanced power underlies social unrest, genocide, war, and the general decline of civilization. In fact, I would argue that the degree of social inequality in a society is a good barometer of its health (or lack thereof). Therefore, though the quest for power may be in our nature and may serve some biological purpose to some degree, it is a passion that must be moderated to prevent societal instability. In a way, the social contract dictates we must give up the freedom of unrestrained personal power if we our to be members of a society. The solution proposed by many communities is religion, which exalts absolute power to the realm of the supernatural beyond the reach of mere mortals. I like this concept of religion, and I do believe that when done right religion can be an effective equalizer. Unfortunately and ironically, religion is often accused of doing the exact opposite of promoting equality when people begin to subjugate other people in the name of "God" (i.e. imperialism, colonization, globalization?).
It is difficult to find the right balance in all things; when we succeed it is wisdom, when we fail it is a tragedy.

'Cry, The Beloved Country,' And Nelson Mandela

* * * * *
My Comfort Food: Peanut Butter Noodles 
The world has frozen over in my part of the country from a freak winter storm (freak only b/c of where I live, after all it is winter), and as a result I have been confined to my apartment all weekend long. I believe it is only fair I reward myself with my favorite foods (at least the ones that I can make with the limited stores of my pantry). This dish combines two of my favorite things to eat: peanut butter and pasta. Understandably this may be gross to some people, and I probably wouldn't make it for entertaining. But like I said, this weekend is all about me as I await the end of my imprisonment.



Directions: Combine 1/2 chicken broth, 1 tsp ginger power, 1 1/2 tbsp honey, 3 tbsp soy sauce in a large skillet. Would have added garlic but didn't have any on hand. Stir until sauce thickens, maybe like 10 minutes. Meanwhile make 1 package of pasta in a boiling pot. Usually this dish is made with noodles, but I like these spiral pastas because I think they hold on to sauces better and are infinitely easier to eat - no need to twirl. When pasta is done combine pasta with sauce in skillet. Mix well.

Inspired by Udon Peanut Butter Noodles 

Food: Baked Teriyaki Chicken, Mushroom with Soy Sauce Glaze, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies

Sometimes food makes things better. The other day I noticed how tired and bogged down the 2nd years in my small group looked and remembered how awful second year was. I think they could use some cookies :( And what better says, I care about you and I'm glad we are friends, than a nice home-cooked meal, no? These are tough, stressful times for us all - I say we cook (and eat) away our sorrows!

I apologize for the unappetizing photos but I take them just to help me remember the foods that I make. Definitely would make the following three recipes again.

Baked Teriyaki Chicken

•  
• 1 tablespoon cornstarch
• 1 tablespoon cold water 
• 1/2 cup brown sugar 
• 1/2 cup soy sauce 
• 1/4 cup cider vinegar 
• 1-2 clove garlic, minced 
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 
• 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 
• 6 skinless chicken thighs

Directions 
1) In a small saucepan over low heat, combine the cornstarch, cold water, sugar, soy sauce, vinegar, garlic, ginger and ground black pepper. Let simmer, stirring frequently, until sauce thickens and bubbles.
2) Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Place chicken pieces in a lightly greased 9x13 inch baking dish.
3) Pour half of sauce on pieces and cover with aluminum foil. Bake for 30 minutes.
4) Remove aluminum foil. Turn over pieces. Pour rest of sauce onto chicken. Bake for 30 more minutes until chicken no longer pink.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Comments: Great flavor, pretty, and easy to make. I think any dish that you can just leave in the oven is a good dish for entertaining when the last thing you want to be doing is tending to the stove. The chicken was tender and moist (I think the foil is key here) and yet a rich, dark caramelized color from the brown sugar/soy sauce. This may be a little bit sweet for some people, but then can be remedied by decreasing the amount of sugar. I served with rice, steamed broccoli, and sauteed mushrooms (see below for recipe). Baked Teriyaki Chicken 

Mushroom with a Soy Sauce Glaze

• 2 tablespoons butter (I used salted)
• 1 (8 ounce) package sliced white mushrooms
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 teaspoons soy sauce
• ground black pepper to taste

Directions
Melt the butter in skillet over medium heat; add the mushrooms; cook and stir until the mushrooms have softened and released their liquid, about 5 minutes. Stir in the garlic; continue to cook and stir for 1 minute. Pour in the soy sauce; cook the mushrooms in the soy sauce until the liquid has evaporated, about 4 minutes.
Rating: 4.8 out of 5
Comments: I was skeptical about this recipe because it just seemed like regular sauteed mushrooms. Maybe I've never had good sauteed mushrooms then because I thought these were so good. I think really it's the butter flavor that works so well with the tender texture of the mushrooms and savory saltiness of soy sauce and garlic combo. So simple and yet so luxurious. Great side dish for a nice meal, and a good one for company since it tastes good and is very quick to make. Would be great with steak too. Thanks to my friend Min-Jeong for the cooking help! Mushroom with a Soy Sauce Glaze

Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies
 

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 (10 ounce) jar maraschino cherries
• 1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions
1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C).
2) Beat the butter and sugar together in a bowl. Add egg and vanilla and beat well. Add the flour, cocoa powder, salt, baking soda, and baking powder and stir until smooth.
3) Roll the mixture into 1-inch balls about the size of a walnut (larger if desired). Place on ungreased cookie sheet (lined with parchment paper). Press center of each ball with thumb. Drain cherries and reserve juice.
4) In a saucepan, heat condensed milk and chocolate chips until chips are melted to make frosting. Stir in 8 teaspoons of cherry juice.
5) Spoon about 1 teaspoon of frosting mixture in indentation of cookie. Place a cherry in indentation. (More cherry juice may be added to keep frosting of spreading consistency.)
6) Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes. Drizzle remaining frosting over cookies.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Comments: This was a rich, decadent cookie. The actual cookie is very dense, almost brownie like. I liked the cherry flavor to the frosting, and added doubled the amount of cherry juice the recipe originally called for. Definitely a special occasion cookie or a good dessert cookie for guests. Not so great for giving as gift though as frosting gets sticky making it a bit of a "messy" cookie. This recipe makes extra frosting which can be saved to use with other desserts. Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies

Writings: My Family

My family gives me carrot cake and orange tulips for my birthday this year. The tulips are beautiful with tangerine petals that gleam a pearly purple hue atop tall stalks. My father tells me his favorite flowers are gladiolas, which he explains are like irises but not as delicate. He says his father also appreciated fresh cut flowers like these. I did not know any of this, but I am not surprised as I am like my father in many ways.

It is just my father at home this trip back to my hometown. He and my mother have been out in California for the past 7 weeks helping my sister with her first baby. He has just returned; my mother is still not back but will return in a few days too. I tell my father that I don't need candles on the cake but he puts a few on there anyway and we video call my mother and sister through the computer; they sing me happy birthday from the west coast. The baby, just 6 weeks old, is sleeping against my mother's shoulder. He opens one eye to see what the commotion is all about. The attention shifts to the baby for a moment and I am relieved as I often do not know how to act at the center of attention. My father says I am a person who thinks before she speaks, and that this is often a good thing. I reply, yes sometimes it is a good thing. My father and I are quiet kind of people in general; we do not use words to excess in our family. The cake has been kept cool, but it tastes of warm-spice and smooth cream. We save half the cake for my mother when she returns home.

In my parents' absence the house has collected dust and bugs. Usually my homecomings are welcomed with polished floors and lavender scented breezes fluttering the blinds of open windows. I never really consciously registered the clean counters or the rolled and plumped sofa cushions, but my mother knows these things are part of the warm embrace of family.

I did not do many chores as a child. My mother was a homemaker so we took for granted the home she created since it is easy to take those things for granted. And as parents it is natural to give unconditionally to your children, even to the extent of spoiling them, without the expectation that one day they may realize all they have been given.

I kneel beside a basin full of hot water and soap and amateurishly splash out a fair amount of water while wringing the washcloth. I do not tell my father I am cleaning the floors or else he would try to help. I turn the water dirty as I polish away the dust and dullness until the tiles sparkle and the hardwood glistens, like the way they usually do and the way I want them to when my mother comes back from California. I give each room the same scrub down, changing the heavy bin of water between each room. Not even half-way through I cannot tell if the water on the floor is from the basin or the rivulets of perspiration running into my eyes, down the tip of my nose. As I am now beginning to collect decades in addition to years this birthday, my knees and lower back muscles are killing me; I wonder how my parents manage to do this. However when I am finished the house shines with lemon freshness, and I am exhausted but satisfied with the work. I think Mom would have done it better, but now she will come home to a clean house. I think to myself how I hope my sister's child, who we have all fallen in love with so fast and so deeply, will come to know the happiness of giving that comes with this family's love.

Food: Chickpea Salad, Garlic Anchovy Linguine, Cilantro Lime Coleslaw, Roasted Beets

Yesterday I avowed to become more vegetarian, but somehow managed to eat the biggest chicken salad sandwich I've ever had today at lunch. It was delicious. What in the world.

I have neglected to update some of cooking adventures lately so I'll have to combine them all here in this post.

"Probably won't make again..."

Chicken in a Pot 

• 5 cups chicken broth 
• 6oz. can tomato paste
• 1 2/3 teaspoon ground black pepper 
• 2 tablespoons fresh oregano 
• 1 teaspoon salt 
• 6-7 cloves garlic, minced 
• 4-6 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves 
• 3/4 cup dry bread crumbs 
• 2-4 teaspoons olive oil 
• 1/2 box of fresh mushrooms (sliced)

Rating: 3.8 out of 5
Comments: I know that's kind of a weird rating, but I feel like a 4 out of 5 dish is one I would make again. Not saying this chicken was bad, but I felt like the tomato paste made it a little bitter and sour. Maybe I could have just reduced the amount of tomato paste? The original recipe actually call for much less tomato paste so maybe I would have liked it better that way. But I am trying to cut down on processed ingredient in my cooking anyway, so perhaps no great loss here. Chicken in a Pot

Healthy Garden Salad

• 5 tablespoons red wine vinegar (I used apple cider vinegar instead)
• 3 tablespoons grapeseed oil (Used olive oil instead)
• 1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro 
• 2 limes, juiced 
• 1 teaspoon white sugar 
• 3/4 teaspoon salt 
• 2 cloves garlic, minced 
• 1 (1 pound) package frozen shelled edamame (green soybeans) 
• 3 cups frozen corn kernels (did not add)
• 1 pint cherry tomatoes, quartered 
• 4 green onions, thinly sliced 
• 1 (15 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained

Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Comments: Maybe it's because I've been making a lot of salad's like this recently (see chickpea salad) or because I changed some of the ingredients, but I couldn't finish eating this. I didn't really like the way the edamame tasted in this dish. It's also kind of a lot of ingredient / work. I probably won't make this again, and would probably stick with Texas Cavier instead, which has a similar taste to it. Healthy Garden Salad

"Will make again"

Chickpea Salad with Red Onion and Tomato (pictured above)

• 19 ounces garbanzo beans, drained
• 2 tablespoons red onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tomato, chopped
• 1/2 cup chopped parsley
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• salt and pepper to taste 

Directions: In a large bowl, combine the chickpeas, red onion, garlic, tomato, parsley, olive oil, lemon juice and salt and pepper to taste. Chill for 2 hours before serving. Taste and adjust seasoning. Serve.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Comments: This was easy to make and had good flavor for the most part. I think I put too much onion in which overpowered the dish somewhat. I needed to cut the onion into tinier pieces but I cry so badly every time that I cut onions that I really rush through the process. Ugh don't know really what to do about that. In fact this dish would have tasted better I think if I had chopped everything up in a food processor. Chickpea Salad with Red Onion and Tomato

Garlic Anchovy Linguine (pictured above)

• 6 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 6 cloves garlic, chopped
• 3/4 cup finely chopped broccoli florets
• 1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
• 6 ounces anchovy fillets, chopped
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup chopped green onions
• 1/2 cup diced tomatoes
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh parsley
• 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 (16 ounce) package linguine pasta
• 1 1/2 tablespoons crushed red pepper flakes (did not add this)

Directions: Heat 6 tablespoons olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat, then stir in garlic, broccoli, and mushrooms; cook until lightly browned. Add anchovies and water, cover, and simmer for 4 to 5 minutes. Stir in green onions, tomatoes, and parsley, cover again, simmering until vegetables are soft, about 3 to 4 minutes. While the vegetables are cooking, bring a large pot of water and one teaspoon of olive oil to a boil. Add linguine and cook until al dente, about 7 to 8 minutes; drain. Toss with anchovy mixture and crushed red pepper flakes. If desired, season with black pepper. Serve immediately.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Comments: Good pasta dish that was pretty easy to make. Warning: you may find small anchovy "hairs" (bones?)  in your pasta. Garlic Anchovy Linguine 

Cilantro-Lime Coleslaw

• 3/4 cup mayonnaise 
• 1 lime, zested (did not zest)
• 2 teaspoons fresh lime juice 
• 1/2 teaspoon rice vinegar (used apple cider vinegar)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced 
• 2 teaspoons sweet chili sauce (did not use)
• 2 teaspoons white sugar 
• 3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh cilantro 
• 1/4 red onion, finely diced, or more to taste 
• 4 cups shredded green cabbage, or more to taste

Directions: Whisk mayonnaise, lime zest, lime juice, rice vinegar, garlic, sweet chili sauce, and sugar in a large bowl, stirring to dissolve sugar. Mix cilantro and red onion into dressing. Stir cabbage into dressing mixture, about 1 cup at a time, until all cabbage is coated.
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Comments: I really liked the taste of this coleslaw even thought I was very lax about the following the recipe directions I think I used even less mayo then called for and used more cabbage and I thought there was definitely enough dressing. I ate this with fish tacos or sometimes just with corn tortillas. Cilantro-Lime Coleslaw

Roasted Beets and Sauteed Greens 

• 1 bunch beets with greens
• 1/4 cup olive oil, divided (just guestimated this)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tablespoons chopped onion
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar (used balsamic vinegar)

Directions: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees (175 degrees C). Wash the beets thoroughly, leaving the skins on, and remove the greens. Rinse greens, removing any large stems, and set aside. Place the beets in a small baking dish or roasting pan, and toss with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. If you wish to peel the beets, it is easier to do so once they have been roasted. 

Cover with foil, and bake for 60-90 minutes, or until a knife can slide easily through the largest beet. When the roasted beets are almost done, heat the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil in a skillet over medium-low heat. Add the garlic and onion, and cook for a minute.
Tear the beet greens into 2 to 3 inch pieces, and add them to the skillet. Cook and stir until greens are wilted and tender. Season with salt and pepper. Serve the greens as is, and the roasted beets sliced with vinegar.
Ratings: 4.5 out of 5
Comments: This was so good! Who knew beets were so tasty especially the greens. Beets themselves are naturally sweet, and the greens had a bit of that sweet flavor as well. Not a bitter vegetable at all. I added some soft cheese to the beets; I think some feta and toasted pecans would have been delicious additions (will try this next time). It's also very satisfying to use the entire vegetable for some reason. Although the entire cooking time is long (the beets took a long time to roast), the actually time prepping and cooking is not too bad.
I made roasted asparagus again too to eat with the beets. This time the asparagus was a lot more fibrous and chewy, which I attribute mostly to the asparagus being of the regular variety instead of thin stemmed and my roasting them at a lower temp (with the beets). Also didn't use real grated Parmesan cheese, and therefore didn't get that delicious cheesy crunch. Roasted Beets and Sauteed Greens 

Next week: More veggie dishes along with a good chicken dish.

Writings: Poverty

I want to be like my Cardiology attending. Of course there are many important differences between him and me: he is 72 years old, white male with blue eyes that have the shape of happy arches like those of a smiling Disney cartoon character. There are many reasons why he should be an intimidating presence but his happy, bright eyes paired with an agreeable temperament and thick-soled SAS shoes make him quite approachable. He told us once that he was a conservative in every way except for in his beliefs on healthcare policy; since our team is comprised of a Black man, Hispanic man, and Asian woman I'm sure all of us briefly wondered if that meant he did not entirely believe we belonged in medicine, but it's hard to have suspicions against such an easy-going, kindly man. Despite our definite physical differences and perhaps more ideological ones as well, I find him to be so thoughtful and clear-minded that I would venture to call him a wise man. I say this because he is able to talk intelligently on many topics, not just those concerning cardiology, and one can tell that he has spent time thinking and analyzing these issues. He is articulate, lucid, and blessed with an excellent memory, which is very impressive considering that at 40+ years his junior I can barely remember the day of the week. The first time we met, I said to him, "Hello, I am the medical student on your team, nice to meet you." And he smiled at me kindly and then patted me on my shoulder. He knew, and now I know, his knowledge is infinite in comparison to mine.

I want to share his theory of poverty. Of course I'm not saying he developed this theory, but I think it's a very good way to think about the poor. According to him, there are three main categories of people that comprise the very poor. The first group are those that have drifted downward in society due to mental illness. The second group is poor because of drug / other addictions that keeps them from getting out of the downward spiral. And finally the last group are born poor and never taught the skills to become contributing members of society. He focuses on this last group because with them there is no organic causes for their poverty, rather he attributes their poverty to a lack of "coping" skills to handle basic life challenges such as opening up a bank account, drafting a resume, applying for jobs, etc. These are people who never learned life skills and therefore are trapped in a cycle of poverty that is passed down from one generation to the next, not through genes but through environment. My attending alluded that our education system does a poor job of teaching life skills, and those not fortunate to receive that education at home fail to ever acquire the skills needed to obtain and maintain a trade.

In terms of solutions, my attending said that our education system needs to incorporate more practical life skills training into the curriculum. I felt my attending has somewhat of a paternalistic attitude toward the adult poor. He basically said the only solution is to help them do a lot of the things they can't, such as filling out their paperwork to get them insurance or writing their resumes for job searches, kind of like they are children who will never be able to grow up. He said there needs to be more social programs to do this, (which doesn't exactly sound like a conservative concept to me) and I agree with him that as a part of the social contract we must support our poorest and most vulnerable members even if they cannot contribute to the economic or social welfare of our country. Perhaps poverty is inherent in society, and therefore we all have a responsibility to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves. However I wonder if we are not just perpetuating their inability by essentially doing everything for them - does that not leave them at the whim of the kindliness of others? Can charity ever be empowering? And if not charity then what else for our country's poor?

NYT: Medicine's Search for Meaning (David Borstein)

Presenting a patient to my Cardiology attending is how I would imagine asking out a beautiful woman is like: he is bored and unimpressed by everything I say and yet I cannot help myself from trying again and again. He is a handsome middle-aged man with ethnic origins likely from somewhere around the Caspian Sea, and always wears a crisply ironed shirt underneath a navy sports coat. He wears no tie to complete a persona of casual authoritativeness. I would be more enthralled if his half-closed green eyes looked at me for longer than 3 seconds before drifting to the fellow; I would be more in love if he actually ever let me finish a sentence without cutting me off...to ask the fellow. And yet, I am amused by the challenge of somehow impressing this beautiful withholding creature, and am completely, utterly prepared never to succeed.

It's only fitting that I would read an article today in the NYT about how burnout in medicine is often the product of abusive and neglectful behaviors that comprise the hidden curriculums in medical education. A lot of lip service is given to physician qualities of compassion, empathy, patient advocacy, etc. But what is actually rewarded in medical education and beyond are efficiency, quantifiable "successes" e.g. seeing the most number of patients in as little time as possible, and, subsequently, an objective detachment. Somehow medicine, supposedly the most humane and noble of professions, often encourages the development of cold, egomaniacal behaviors. However the problem is that a God complex doesn't actually make you a God, and according to the article more than 50% of physicians today report symptoms of burnout and dissatisfaction with their profession.

I understand the time pressures that impair patient care, and I do not blame physicians for responding to these pressures with professional detachment. When you are pressured to see so many patients in a short amount of time there is simply no possible way to establish the trust that is so essential for the patient-doctor relationship. I find myself feeling disillusioned at times, even so early in my career, when I no longer feel like I'm working to serve my patients but rather just trying to keep my head above the water as my attendings and institution look on waiting for the weak to weed themselves out. The thing is my bosses are likely experiencing the same feelings themselves in a vicious cycle that continues to repeat itself.

For my choice of residency I'm going to make it a priority to train somewhere that focuses on patient care more than hierarchy and metrics. Just looking for some heart.

"Great doctors don’t just diagnose diseases, prescribe medications and treat patients; they bring the full spectrum of their human capabilities to the compassionate care of others."

1) Medicine’s Search for Meaning
2) Hidden Curriculum 
3) Healer's Art Course
4) Being emotional during decision making - good or bad? An empirical investigation 

Food: Oven Roasted Asparagus and Tomato Basil Pasta

The weather has been so nice here, which is a big deal in the part of the country where I live since the summer heat can be especially cruel. But it seems like fall is approaching and this is the time of year when it's truly beautiful outdoors: breezy, sunny, blue skies. I had dinner on a restaurant patio the other day with my friend Min-Jeong, and I feel like the nice evening weather made the food taste better, conversation linger longer, and atmosphere even more relaxing. We both decided that it was time for a well-deserved break from the grueling years of school we are now almost done with. While I should be studying EKGs and cardiac pathophysiology right now, I'm cooking food with windows/doors open to the outside world listening to Ella Fitzgerald instead. #yayforthingsilove!

Oven Roasted Asparagus

• 1 bunch thin asparagus
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 tablespoon grated parmesan cheese
• 1 clove garlic
• Dash of garlic salt
• Dash of black pepper
• Lemon juice (didn't have any of this)

Directions 
1) Preheat an oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
1) Place the asparagus into a mixing bowl, and drizzle with the olive oil. Toss to coat the spears, then sprinkle with Parmesan cheese, garlic, salt, and pepper. Arrange the asparagus onto a baking sheet in a single layer.
3) Bake in the preheated oven until just tender, 12 to 15 minutes depending on thickness. Sprinkle with lemon juice just before serving.

Rating: 4.5 of 5

Comments: This was really good! Sorry for the less than appetizing photo but the taste of the asparagus was really good with this method of cooking. There was a nice crunch on the outside from roasting and toasted Parmesan / garlic. This is a great way to serve asparagus especially for a dinner party or something more formal than everyday. Very easy to with little cleanup. I followed the advice on the allrecipes page for this recipe and snapped the ends off the asparagus to get rid of the fibrous, tough ends.

Oven Roasted Asparagus

Tomato Basil Pasta

• 1/3 - 1/2 package of fettucine pasta
• 2 medium sized tomatoes, diced
• 1/2 cup of fresh basil leaves
• 3 cloves of garlic
• enough olive oil to coat the bottom of a skillet
• 1/2 tablespoon grated Parmesan cheese 
• Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions
1) Boil water and cook pasta for about 10 minutes (I like pasta softer so I cook closer to 15 but I don't think most people like pasta like this). Drain pasta and set to side.
2) Dice tomatoes, chop basil, mince garlic.
2) Pour olive oil in a pan and brown garlic.
3) Add tomatoes to pan and cook until soft and some of liquid has reduced (prob around 10-15 minutes). Season with salt and pepper to taste.
4) Add basil. Cook for a few minutes more.
5) Then add pasta to sauce, and mix together sauce and pasta in pan cooking for another few minutes.
6) Serve and sprinkle with Parmesan on top.

Ratings: 4.5 of 5

Comments: I've made this twice now and really like this simple pasta dish. It's a nice accompaniment to many other sides. This can be made quickly for a weekday meal. I make extra to eat during the week. This dish was inspired by the recipe below, but I modified it to be a quick dish.

Tomato Basil Pasta

Food: Refrigerator Pickles

I had a nice evening at a wine bar with my college friend Jamie sharing a trio dip and good conversation. She recently read a book called the Five Love Languages, which I've heard about but haven't read yet. The general gist of the book according to Jamie is that there are five different ways i.e. that people express love to one another: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. If I had to identify just one "love language" spoken in my family growing up, it would be Acts of Service. I remember packing up at the end of winter break to go back to college after a particularly difficult semester and finding that my mother had neatly placed all my hair pins on a paper holder so I could find them easily (until I scattered them all again). That small gesture to me said 'I love you, I'll miss you, I'm sad to see you go' more than any words ever could. The daily love in my family was mostly demonstrated through cooking and food, which may be why I do this food blog bit in the first place. I suppose I'm trying to figure out the best foods I can share with those that mean the most to me.

Refrigerator Pickles

Ingredients 

• 1 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 cucumber sliced
• 1 bunch of radishes sliced
• several cloves of garlic

Directions

1) In a container combine vinegar, salt, and sugar. Microwave for 1 minutes to dissolve sugar.
2) Crush and peel garlic and add to mixture. Slice vegetables and add to mixture.
3) Cover container and allow to sit in refrigerator for a few hours before eating.

Rating: 4 of 5

Comments: I try to eat as many vegetables in a meal as possible, and I find these to be a good addition to salads. It's inspired by the recipe below but I significantly cut down on the sugar in addition to a few other modifications.

Refrigerator Pickles
Five Love Languages Quiz